What is Sex

Many of us have been taught that the only thing that counts as sex is penis in vagina penetration. That is problematic! Counting only intercourse (vaginal penetrative sex, or when the penis enters the vagina) as sex excludes the diverse range of sexual activities and experiences that are valid and significant, especially within queer community. Here are several reasons why it's important to have a broader understanding of what constitutes sex:

• Non-Penetrative Activities: Many individuals engage in non-penetrative sexual activities, such as oral sex (using your mouth), manual stimulation (using your hands and fingers), and other forms of intimate touch, which are integral to their sexual experiences and relationships. Verbal sex, when you only talk about sex (like "dirty talk") is also highly erotic and can bring some to orgasms!

• Same-Sex Couples: For same-sex couples, defining sex solely as intercourse (often interpreted as penile-vaginal penetration) is not applicable. This narrow definition marginalizes their experiences and fails to acknowledge the legitimacy of their sexual interactions.

  
  

• Varied Anatomies: Intersex people may have a variety of anatomical features that do not fit typical definitions of male or female. Limiting sex to intercourse disregards the diverse ways intersex individuals experience and express their sexuality. Frotteurism (the rubbing up against another person for sexual pleasure) is an activity that nearly everyone can and does engage in if they are sexually active.

• Personal Definitions of Sex: Individuals should have the autonomy to define what sex means for them, based on their bodies, preferences, and relationships. Every BODY is different and responds to different kinds of touch in different areas.

• Varied Forms of Pleasure: Sexual pleasure and fulfillment can be achieved through many forms of sexual activity beyond intercourse, such as kissing, mutual masturbation, and other intimate acts. There are many different kinds of sex toys (any object used for sexual pleasure) that people can use during masturbation (the sexual touching of oneself) or with partners.

• Sexual Health: A broader definition of sex promotes better sexual health education and understanding, recognizing the importance of communication, consent, and safety in all forms of sexual activity.

  
  

• Emotional Intimacy: Sex is not only about physical acts but also about emotional intimacy and connection. Limiting sex to intercourse overlooks the deep emotional bonds that can be formed through other sexual activities.

  Pleasuring is an activity where you can touch your partner any where EXCEPT the genitals. It helps people explore full body pleasure.

• Breaking Normative Constructs: Defining sex only as intercourse upholds heteronormative standards that do not reflect the reality of many people's lives. Expanding the definition of sex helps challenge these norms and promotes a more inclusive understanding of human sexuality.

By recognizing and validating the diverse ways people experience sex, we promote a more inclusive, respectful, and comprehensive understanding of human sexuality, acknowledging the richness and variety of sexual experiences across all communities.

How do I know if I have had sex?

One topic of conversation, especially during the mating ritual we call dating, is how many sexual partners have you had? This can be a difficult question to answer. One group of researchers came up with this model:

The BOA Scale

This is on a 6 point scale. If you get 3 points for any particular sexual encounter, you have had sex with that person. This is primarily intended for a sexual situation between 2 people.

1 point per genitals manipulated (with hands, mouth, penis, or an object)

1 point per orgasm (one point per person limit for this scale)

1 point for penetration (this includes vaginal or anal penetration and can be a penis or an object)

Let's apply this to a scenario. Kevin and Mike have a sexual encounter. Kevin gives Mike a blow job (oral sex to the penis) and Mike ejaculates (comes to orgasm). This act gets 2 points. Mike's penis has been manipulated and one orgasm occurred. However, the next time they see each other, Mike gives Kevin a hand job (manual stimulation to the penis) resulting in an orgasm, and Kevin gives another blow job, but this time they are interrupted by their roommate, and Mike does not orgasm. This is worth 3 points and would be considered sex. Both genitals were manipulated and one orgasm was had.

One more! Norm and Laura hook up for the first time. They are in a hurry and go straight to intercourse. Norm orgasms but Laura does not (sorry, Laura!). That is worth 4 points, despite being possibly unsatisfying for some members. Both Norm and Laura's genitals were manipulated (2 points) and penetration occurred (1 point). Norm had an orgasm, so that's one point. Next time they have sex, Laura penetrates Norm with a handheld toy, strokes his penis, and he comes to orgasm. How many points do they get?

Another one!?! Okay! Ann and Kim are having their usual Sunday sex. Kim touches Ann's nipples with a toy and she orgasms. Ann penetrates Kim with her fingers and then a vibrator and both Kim and Ann have an orgasm. This is worth 4 points. Two points for orgasms, one point for penetration, and one point for Kim's genitals being manipulated (nipples are not genitals so do not count in this system). However, next Sunday they use a double headed dildo and both come to orgasm. They get the full six points! Both genitals were manipulated, penetration occurred to both partners, and orgasms were had by all. Well done, ladies!